Persevering
I started this blog nearly a year ago for many reasons, chief among them that I wanted to celebrate beauty as a state of mind, and spend time writing about the things that help me make my outlook a little more beautiful. From the very beginning, I strived to make this blog an honest reflection of my thoughts on mental health, and my very first post speaks to the journey that brought me to the place where I was able to start a blog and speak publically and candidly about my struggle with Anorexia and depression.
If this past year has taught me anything, it’s that I love sharing parts of my story on this blog, and I am continually touched by readers who reach out to me, with insights from their own mental health journeys. It’s so important to discuss mental health, and to be open and accepting of mental illness. If our society is to mitigate the stigma surrounding mental illness, we must speak more openly and candidly about mental illness and its wide reach, before we can even begin to find broad solutions to the gross lack of resources and treatment available to those with mental illnesses.
That’s why I refuse to be dishonest on this blog. I refuse to post a façade of happiness today, and I refuse to lead my readers to falsely believe that because I write a blog born to celebrate real beauty, that I am fully recovered and immune to the wicked promise of relapse in the absence of perseverance.
I am not.
I think about going back every day. The voice in my head tells me it’s the right thing to do, tells me I was happy when I was in that place before, tells me I have to return to old habits, before things get out of control.
Lately the voice has been loud. Lately, I’ve been more and more tempted to give into the voice, to abide by the rules of an evil illusion, and sacrifice worthwhile priorities for one that is worth nothing at all: illness.
I wanted to write nothing on the blog today. I wanted to skip this week’s post and avoid writing anything that contradicted the healthy, happy, beautiful ethos I try to promote on the blog.
Then I realized the importance of writing posts on days like today. The importance of speaking truthfully about the realities of chronic mental illness and the shame that accompanies it.
Not writing on days like today would only further the idea that society accepts only “normal”, happy people, that it’s weak, and unacceptable to be sad and conflicted. And that’s not fair. That’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to the readers who have told me how they appreciate my openness about my struggles and triumphs with mental health.
So today, I will continue to be honest. I will simply say it’s been a hard day, and that while beauty is a state of mind, it is not my constant state of mind. It is not my state of mind today. And that’s okay.