Not Your Typical Beauty Guide

This photo is a favourite of mine. Not because of its sheer lustre, or because of the way it escorts my senses to a subtropical climate, but rather, because of the lesson it continues to teach me. That is; that beauty is a state of mind.

The day I took this photo, I was lounging on a secluded beach in the Bahamas with four of my best friends. I remember taking the photo, scolding myself that it would be blasphemous not to capture the paradise before me.

In fact, I scolded myself each day of my Bahamian vacation. This is beautiful, I told myself; I should be the happiest I have ever been, right now. I am so lucky, I would tell myself as I self-talked, rather than striving to connect with the close friends I travelled with.

But my internal reprimands only deepened my self-hatred and further entrenched my depression, both of which had consumed me for years prior and especially in the preceding months. I simply could not feel happy, despite the idyllic circumstances I found myself in.

On the last day of that vacation, it rained on New Providence Island. I remember sitting alone for hours, watching as dense droplets poured onto the stone patio and overfilled the swimming pool. With a book in my hand, I believed my friends assumed me to be reading while I simply stared at the rain.

I reflected on how estranged I felt from my friends, my closest girls, from whom I felt more and more detached as we travelled. I was not myself, but had no knowledge as to why this was the case. All I could do was feel guilty for failing to be blissful in such a beautiful place, surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things.

The luxe villa I slept in was stunning. The hearts of the girls I vacationed with are truly beautiful. The sights I saw and the love that surrounded me were radiant. And yet, I did not see beauty, but only shadows of doubt.

Three months later, I was diagnosed with Anorexia, and two months after that, I was diagnosed with depression, both an underlying cause and byproduct of my eating disorder. I spent eight months as an outpatient at an eating disorder clinic and began swallowing caplets of Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) on a daily basis, to help mitigate depressive symptoms until my habits became less harmful to my health.

Hindsight, as enlightening as it is, has elucidated why I failed to become elated by my tropical surroundings, by the presence of friendship, and by the wonderful experiences I was fortunate to have, during that time. Nearly two years after both of my diagnoses, and several sessions with doctors, psychiatrists, counsellors and therapists, I only need to see this picture, to remember that beauty must exists in one's mind before it exists outside of it.

This experience, and many of those I have embraced on my journey to mental wellness since, have taught me that no place, no person, no thing, can be beautiful to me, if my mind remains trapped in despair, doubt, fear and worry. Nothing outside of me can bring me happiness, or allow me a glimpse of genuine beauty. Beauty is a state of mind.

It is no simple task to adopt and foster this state of mind. It requires one to let go of fear and doubt, to reject the idea of perfection and to realize that life is never really within one's control. Gratitude, forgiveness and optimism, courage and kindness, openness and confidence; these are what enable one to see beauty. True beauty.

In taking measures to improve my health and wellness, both mentally and physically, I have begun striving for beauty - not a glittering visage or an ideal body type, but a state of mind. The posts curated here are a celebration of my journey towards this goal, and dable in the things I find most beautiful: travel, wellness, style and culture. I hope you'll join me, as I celebrate the beauty that exists, here and now.

#reflections #mentalhealth #wellness #travel